Man I suck at this blogging thing.

In my defense, the last two weeks have been REALLY hard. I don't know what happened exactly. I started to fall apart. I was having panic attacks all the time, I was depressed. I'm feeling better now. Not great, but better. I have gone back and forth. I think that I'm making excuses for not dieting. I do WANT to diet. But with everything else going on, I decided that it wasnt the most important part of what I was doing and going through.  Its all so tangled up sometimes that I'm not sure what to do.

I made smarter choices at the grocery store this week. I bought LOTS of yougurt, and some grapefruit. I also bought some of those Veggie Straws- ummmmm ..... YUM. Even Nate really likes them- so does the baby. Arianna however thinks that they are "disgusting" offff course she does.

I like this therapist that I'm seeing.  I think that shes going to be a big help. I think that dealing with the stuff as it comes up is a problem. Strange how the two weeks I have seen her have been extra hard..... She has some ideas for working on the emotional eating. She has some ideas for the panic. I just need to USE what shes saying to me.

I smoked. I should just fess up now. When I have bad panick attacks I will smoke sometimes. I didnt smoke much. I want to smoke more. I know not to.

I honestly just wish that someone would create a magical ANTI FAT machine. I suppose thats what liposuction is...... I'm looking for more of a tube type design where I can just climb in and come out hot.

I'm glad that Nate's being more supportive. I think that I'm lucky in the fact that I weigh 60 pounds more now and he still loves me and my body.  I want to be hotter for him. Does that sound strange?

So today I'm eating (and I know that these are not the best choices)

Red Bull, Sugar Free
2 English Muffins with butter on them (SEE BAD CHOICES)
1/2 Grapefruit
Left over tuna noodle cassarole
Yougurt
Dinner..... whats for dinner?  I could make the turkey burgers (something that I have never done before.... I'm worried that they might suck)..... we will see. Now to keep the rest of the crap snacking away.

I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. I'm working on not being a wuss. And thats in all of my life. Say no to things that I dont want, yes to things that I do. Put myself someplace NEAR the top of the list sometimes. Therapist says "Make sure that you take care of you, and do what you need to for you" so if that means that NO ONE does the dishes because I'm tired, then no one does them and I don't feel bad about taking care of myself. Easier said than done.

OOOOOOOKKKKKK.