Friday is still evil.
And so are communication problems.
I'm wondering about the way that I choose to communicate. I spend a lot of time worrying that Nate thinks so little of me etc. I worry that he doesnt really want to be with me, why would he want to be with me. And these thoughts are part of the problems that come between us. We were laying in bed last night and talking. And basically he said something that made me realize that the same way that I feel that maybe he doesnt like me very much sometimes, maybe he thinks that I have a problem with him. This goes back to the complaining, and I'm sure of it. When someone is only told the things that you do that you have a problem with, no one is going to feel good about themself. Just like when you only say negative things you start to feel more negative. I don't know why this is the way that I "communicate" but its not really communication. It breaks my heart to think that what peopel are hearing from me are that they are a problem. Sitting here thinking about it, I worry that I do it to my kids too.
Arianna is the most thoughtful little girl in the world, and I dont tell her that enough. She is a huge blessing. She is smart, and beautiful. She LOVES that baby sister with all of her heart. I don't tell her enough what a good girl she is. I'm always scared that I'm going to break my baby.
Laynie is something else. It sounds horrible to say it like this, but she was more of a whim baby. Hey maybe we should have another kid. And BAM I was pregnant. The timing didnt work out well for us. My pregnancy was hard. But the end result was this little girl who litterally lights up the entire room with her smile. She thinks that everything is sooooo funny. I cant imagine who we would be without her anymore.
I'm so blessed. I am really SO BLESSED.
How hard is it to say something nice? why is it so much easier to say something mean?
And why cant I be secure enough to be nice.
:(
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