Its strange. I have never felt too much of a calling to one thing in particular. I mean, I think that we all have dreams of where it is that our life is going. We have plans, we know what it is that we want. I don't know how much I have felt "CALLED" to something wanted it, felt like I could see it all working out. I feel like I'm at this point where I can see where I want it to be going- I can feel it YELLING my name.
Its too bad that we have to keep waiting. But I feel like I have a goal.
1. Pay off the debt. Whatever it takes. Pay it off.
2. Save some money. Clearly these are the goals of most people but.... save some money.
3. I have never wanted to make Arianna change schools once she starts, but this may be something that does that- I want to move to a small town. someplace not here. I guess it could be here. But I'm feeling like its not. We need someplace simpler, for us. BUT if it is here, I can deal with that.
4. I want nate to have his own shop. And This may need to be something that he runs on his own for a year or two. BUT THEN..........
5. I want to quit my job. I want to work the front of his shop. I want to put my kids on the bus, and I want to meet them when they get home. I want to be be able to be with my husband, and run a buisness together. I want to buy a house for us and our kids. I want land where they can play.
I can see this happening. I feel like its supposed to happen. We have stumbled aournd without a clear direction for years "I want to buy a house some day" "I want to do this some day" but I don't think that we knew how it was that we wanted to get there. I feel like this is how we get there, and my heart is yearning for it.
I don't know if its God thats putting that message there, or if its a result of growing up- that I my vision of where it is that I want to go is becoming clear. I don't want to take credit for something that is not all me. Often, Nate and I have varying views on things and it can create a lot of tension. I am on a path to figure out more of who I am and where it is that I am going in life, and I am happy to say that we are both experiencing the same sort of calling- or we are at least both on the same page with this. Having dreams that drive you.
I have tried to make some changes this week. I have tried hard to not get ahead of myself, to take the time to stop and breathe, to think about what it is that I'm worrying about, and to let go of some obsessions. I'm on a path.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Is this nice enough for you?
Friday is still evil.
And so are communication problems.
I'm wondering about the way that I choose to communicate. I spend a lot of time worrying that Nate thinks so little of me etc. I worry that he doesnt really want to be with me, why would he want to be with me. And these thoughts are part of the problems that come between us. We were laying in bed last night and talking. And basically he said something that made me realize that the same way that I feel that maybe he doesnt like me very much sometimes, maybe he thinks that I have a problem with him. This goes back to the complaining, and I'm sure of it. When someone is only told the things that you do that you have a problem with, no one is going to feel good about themself. Just like when you only say negative things you start to feel more negative. I don't know why this is the way that I "communicate" but its not really communication. It breaks my heart to think that what peopel are hearing from me are that they are a problem. Sitting here thinking about it, I worry that I do it to my kids too.
Arianna is the most thoughtful little girl in the world, and I dont tell her that enough. She is a huge blessing. She is smart, and beautiful. She LOVES that baby sister with all of her heart. I don't tell her enough what a good girl she is. I'm always scared that I'm going to break my baby.
Laynie is something else. It sounds horrible to say it like this, but she was more of a whim baby. Hey maybe we should have another kid. And BAM I was pregnant. The timing didnt work out well for us. My pregnancy was hard. But the end result was this little girl who litterally lights up the entire room with her smile. She thinks that everything is sooooo funny. I cant imagine who we would be without her anymore.
I'm so blessed. I am really SO BLESSED.
How hard is it to say something nice? why is it so much easier to say something mean?
And why cant I be secure enough to be nice.
And so are communication problems.
I'm wondering about the way that I choose to communicate. I spend a lot of time worrying that Nate thinks so little of me etc. I worry that he doesnt really want to be with me, why would he want to be with me. And these thoughts are part of the problems that come between us. We were laying in bed last night and talking. And basically he said something that made me realize that the same way that I feel that maybe he doesnt like me very much sometimes, maybe he thinks that I have a problem with him. This goes back to the complaining, and I'm sure of it. When someone is only told the things that you do that you have a problem with, no one is going to feel good about themself. Just like when you only say negative things you start to feel more negative. I don't know why this is the way that I "communicate" but its not really communication. It breaks my heart to think that what peopel are hearing from me are that they are a problem. Sitting here thinking about it, I worry that I do it to my kids too.
Arianna is the most thoughtful little girl in the world, and I dont tell her that enough. She is a huge blessing. She is smart, and beautiful. She LOVES that baby sister with all of her heart. I don't tell her enough what a good girl she is. I'm always scared that I'm going to break my baby.
Laynie is something else. It sounds horrible to say it like this, but she was more of a whim baby. Hey maybe we should have another kid. And BAM I was pregnant. The timing didnt work out well for us. My pregnancy was hard. But the end result was this little girl who litterally lights up the entire room with her smile. She thinks that everything is sooooo funny. I cant imagine who we would be without her anymore.
I'm so blessed. I am really SO BLESSED.
How hard is it to say something nice? why is it so much easier to say something mean?
And why cant I be secure enough to be nice.
Friday, March 25, 2011
I HATE Friday. Ya, I said it.
I hate Fridays.
I know right? "Whats wrong with her?!!!!"
I hate Fridays for the following reason.
The last two Fridays I have spent most of the day with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Bills are Friday. Nates paycheck is Friday. And his last several checks have been messed up, and were not for 40 hours. SO I HATE FRIDAY because Friday is the day where I have to figure out the budget for the rest of the week, have freakout because I am always the one doing this, and pay bills. Or NOT pay bills which is even worse.
I talked to my therapst. Lets call her D. Shhhhh don't try to figure out her real name. So D says that I need to be less on top of things money wise so that Nate is more aware of the pinch that I feel. That I need to stop just taking care of it all. Gread idea D, but I don't know how to let go enough to do that...... She says that part of what I have to get used to is feeling uncomfertable with how I'm doing things. I'm sure that she is right about this one. I mean, the ways that I'm doing things is part of my problem, and to not do them is going to freak me out. I don't want to be freaked out. I don't want this to be hard. I think that I forgot at somepoint that therapy is hard work. OR maybe I just didnt do the hard work when I had therapy before? I feel like there is a chance that that is also a valid option. That maybe I was young when I went to therapy before, and I delt with stuff some by talking about it. But in three weeks D has pointed out that some of the problems that I have are things that were hard wired into my brain in childhood and that its going to take a long time to undo them. Meds don't change that stuff. I wouldnt want them to be the reason that those things are changed.
D helped me see how I'm communicating/not communicating. I think that often I complain. Hahaha, actually, ask Nate. Part of the WAY that I communicate is by making conversation through things that are complaints, or apear that way. How many of us walk around saying things like "Wow today the sun is shining and blah blah blah." Crap, when I put it that way, I realize that maybe a lot of people do. I say things like "we need to figure out what we are going to do about blah blah blah." THESE are the things that come out as complaining. I don't mean them to. I have a hard time with silence.
I'm agrivated. I'm crawling out of my skin on this day that I hate Friday.
I can feel myself over thinking and racing. I want to go home and go to bed. What 27 year old cant get themself figured out? This one.
I know right? "Whats wrong with her?!!!!"
I hate Fridays for the following reason.
The last two Fridays I have spent most of the day with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Bills are Friday. Nates paycheck is Friday. And his last several checks have been messed up, and were not for 40 hours. SO I HATE FRIDAY because Friday is the day where I have to figure out the budget for the rest of the week, have freakout because I am always the one doing this, and pay bills. Or NOT pay bills which is even worse.
I talked to my therapst. Lets call her D. Shhhhh don't try to figure out her real name. So D says that I need to be less on top of things money wise so that Nate is more aware of the pinch that I feel. That I need to stop just taking care of it all. Gread idea D, but I don't know how to let go enough to do that...... She says that part of what I have to get used to is feeling uncomfertable with how I'm doing things. I'm sure that she is right about this one. I mean, the ways that I'm doing things is part of my problem, and to not do them is going to freak me out. I don't want to be freaked out. I don't want this to be hard. I think that I forgot at somepoint that therapy is hard work. OR maybe I just didnt do the hard work when I had therapy before? I feel like there is a chance that that is also a valid option. That maybe I was young when I went to therapy before, and I delt with stuff some by talking about it. But in three weeks D has pointed out that some of the problems that I have are things that were hard wired into my brain in childhood and that its going to take a long time to undo them. Meds don't change that stuff. I wouldnt want them to be the reason that those things are changed.
D helped me see how I'm communicating/not communicating. I think that often I complain. Hahaha, actually, ask Nate. Part of the WAY that I communicate is by making conversation through things that are complaints, or apear that way. How many of us walk around saying things like "Wow today the sun is shining and blah blah blah." Crap, when I put it that way, I realize that maybe a lot of people do. I say things like "we need to figure out what we are going to do about blah blah blah." THESE are the things that come out as complaining. I don't mean them to. I have a hard time with silence.
I'm agrivated. I'm crawling out of my skin on this day that I hate Friday.
I can feel myself over thinking and racing. I want to go home and go to bed. What 27 year old cant get themself figured out? This one.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Man I suck at this blogging thing.
In my defense, the last two weeks have been REALLY hard. I don't know what happened exactly. I started to fall apart. I was having panic attacks all the time, I was depressed. I'm feeling better now. Not great, but better. I have gone back and forth. I think that I'm making excuses for not dieting. I do WANT to diet. But with everything else going on, I decided that it wasnt the most important part of what I was doing and going through. Its all so tangled up sometimes that I'm not sure what to do.
I made smarter choices at the grocery store this week. I bought LOTS of yougurt, and some grapefruit. I also bought some of those Veggie Straws- ummmmm ..... YUM. Even Nate really likes them- so does the baby. Arianna however thinks that they are "disgusting" offff course she does.
I like this therapist that I'm seeing. I think that shes going to be a big help. I think that dealing with the stuff as it comes up is a problem. Strange how the two weeks I have seen her have been extra hard..... She has some ideas for working on the emotional eating. She has some ideas for the panic. I just need to USE what shes saying to me.
I smoked. I should just fess up now. When I have bad panick attacks I will smoke sometimes. I didnt smoke much. I want to smoke more. I know not to.
I honestly just wish that someone would create a magical ANTI FAT machine. I suppose thats what liposuction is...... I'm looking for more of a tube type design where I can just climb in and come out hot.
I'm glad that Nate's being more supportive. I think that I'm lucky in the fact that I weigh 60 pounds more now and he still loves me and my body. I want to be hotter for him. Does that sound strange?
So today I'm eating (and I know that these are not the best choices)
Red Bull, Sugar Free
2 English Muffins with butter on them (SEE BAD CHOICES)
1/2 Grapefruit
Left over tuna noodle cassarole
Yougurt
Dinner..... whats for dinner? I could make the turkey burgers (something that I have never done before.... I'm worried that they might suck)..... we will see. Now to keep the rest of the crap snacking away.
I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. I'm working on not being a wuss. And thats in all of my life. Say no to things that I dont want, yes to things that I do. Put myself someplace NEAR the top of the list sometimes. Therapist says "Make sure that you take care of you, and do what you need to for you" so if that means that NO ONE does the dishes because I'm tired, then no one does them and I don't feel bad about taking care of myself. Easier said than done.
OOOOOOOKKKKKK.
In my defense, the last two weeks have been REALLY hard. I don't know what happened exactly. I started to fall apart. I was having panic attacks all the time, I was depressed. I'm feeling better now. Not great, but better. I have gone back and forth. I think that I'm making excuses for not dieting. I do WANT to diet. But with everything else going on, I decided that it wasnt the most important part of what I was doing and going through. Its all so tangled up sometimes that I'm not sure what to do.
I made smarter choices at the grocery store this week. I bought LOTS of yougurt, and some grapefruit. I also bought some of those Veggie Straws- ummmmm ..... YUM. Even Nate really likes them- so does the baby. Arianna however thinks that they are "disgusting" offff course she does.
I like this therapist that I'm seeing. I think that shes going to be a big help. I think that dealing with the stuff as it comes up is a problem. Strange how the two weeks I have seen her have been extra hard..... She has some ideas for working on the emotional eating. She has some ideas for the panic. I just need to USE what shes saying to me.
I smoked. I should just fess up now. When I have bad panick attacks I will smoke sometimes. I didnt smoke much. I want to smoke more. I know not to.
I honestly just wish that someone would create a magical ANTI FAT machine. I suppose thats what liposuction is...... I'm looking for more of a tube type design where I can just climb in and come out hot.
I'm glad that Nate's being more supportive. I think that I'm lucky in the fact that I weigh 60 pounds more now and he still loves me and my body. I want to be hotter for him. Does that sound strange?
So today I'm eating (and I know that these are not the best choices)
Red Bull, Sugar Free
2 English Muffins with butter on them (SEE BAD CHOICES)
1/2 Grapefruit
Left over tuna noodle cassarole
Yougurt
Dinner..... whats for dinner? I could make the turkey burgers (something that I have never done before.... I'm worried that they might suck)..... we will see. Now to keep the rest of the crap snacking away.
I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. I'm working on not being a wuss. And thats in all of my life. Say no to things that I dont want, yes to things that I do. Put myself someplace NEAR the top of the list sometimes. Therapist says "Make sure that you take care of you, and do what you need to for you" so if that means that NO ONE does the dishes because I'm tired, then no one does them and I don't feel bad about taking care of myself. Easier said than done.
OOOOOOOKKKKKK.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Dinner- FAIL Breakfast- WIN
Holy Crap am I am emotional eater. I mean REALLY. I watched myself do it last night, and was 100% aware of what I was doing ..... lalala look at me I'm upset, I'll eat more pasta salad (which is NOT ALLOWED IN MY HOUSE ANYMORE).... I'm upset I'm going to eat more pasta salad, wow Mandy, you are emotional eating, why yes I am, more pasta salad please.
Argh. That was a failure.
I'm going to have to go track the points for 1/2 a cup of mayonnaise and a box of pasta salad. And THEN I'm going to guess I'm going to be sick thinking about it.
Breakfast- BAD- some soda- GOOD Fried egg cooked in a TINY bit of butter, whole grain toast and coffee.
Planned lunch? I have these self steam bags of pasta - they should be about a serving size- and a few cubes of sauce- and then some asparagus to cook up and stick in there too.
I have cottage cheese in the fridge here. I have some grapefruits in my car- but they have been frozen and then defrosted and then frozen- I wonder if I can still eat them?! My mother is convinced that they will kill me, but I don't think that grapefruit is like chicken.... correct me if I'm wrong :)
DINNER- my plan is to finally make the Ranch chicken fingers I have planned on the last two nights.
I didn't sleep well, because I'm super anxious about this therapy appointment today.
And I'm anxious about seeing Callie tonight I think. I haven't seen her since November. That's a WHOLE other story.
I basically just want to skip to bed time now.
SO here is a question- or maybe two. 1. IS THERE A GOOD WHOLE GRAIN BREAD?! 2. does it make sense to BAN food that I will eat too much of from my house? Or am I just enabling myself more by keeping it out of sight out of mind?
Thoughts?
Argh. That was a failure.
I'm going to have to go track the points for 1/2 a cup of mayonnaise and a box of pasta salad. And THEN I'm going to guess I'm going to be sick thinking about it.
Breakfast- BAD- some soda- GOOD Fried egg cooked in a TINY bit of butter, whole grain toast and coffee.
Planned lunch? I have these self steam bags of pasta - they should be about a serving size- and a few cubes of sauce- and then some asparagus to cook up and stick in there too.
I have cottage cheese in the fridge here. I have some grapefruits in my car- but they have been frozen and then defrosted and then frozen- I wonder if I can still eat them?! My mother is convinced that they will kill me, but I don't think that grapefruit is like chicken.... correct me if I'm wrong :)
DINNER- my plan is to finally make the Ranch chicken fingers I have planned on the last two nights.
I didn't sleep well, because I'm super anxious about this therapy appointment today.
And I'm anxious about seeing Callie tonight I think. I haven't seen her since November. That's a WHOLE other story.
I basically just want to skip to bed time now.
SO here is a question- or maybe two. 1. IS THERE A GOOD WHOLE GRAIN BREAD?! 2. does it make sense to BAN food that I will eat too much of from my house? Or am I just enabling myself more by keeping it out of sight out of mind?
Thoughts?
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Eh?! EHHHHHHHH
Okay, so lets be honest here. I have sucked at doing this like I said that I was going to. I mean really, great plans Mandy, but part of my problem with food and everything else is follow through.
SO.
Lets be honest.
I just ate a big mac for lunch. BUT I also tracked it in my WW, and am within my points for the week. Yup, I'm trying to do WW. But I'm finding myself still eating stupid crap.
I need replacement food. I want crab rangoons I eat.......?! Ideas here? Because thats where I was last Friday.
So WHAT is it that I'm doing wrong. I don't want to be this FAT. But I really seem to be a quitter. I dont want to be a quitter. I don't want my kids to be quitters. So I need to stop being a quitter.
Okay, self pep talk over.
No more fat talk. No more thinking of this as fat. No more WINNING (ahhh sorry Charlie Sheen......). I need to suceed. If nothing else then to show you guys that I can do it, just as much to show myself.
I'm going to interview a therapist tomorrow. I'm wondering how that will go. And I'm hoping that talking about some of this stuff will also help with the food issues. I need some help with compulsive eating. The more that I think about this now, the more I realized my problems with food in THIS manner started after Arianna was born. I mean, I had problems before that- or what appeared to be problems? Because I basically wasnt hungry. I'm sure that it was some of the meds that I was on- but I wouldnt eat much during the day, because I wans not hungry, and then I would eat at night. I hope that she can give me some help, some guidelines. I feel like I missed out on a lot of growing up and learning skills etc. and I feel nuts for saying this, but at 27 I need to go back and learn how to deal with some things that I should have known how to deal with all along.
I'm so lucky that I have you guys. You all love me and support me and listen to me act like a nut job, but it doesnt change the support you give :)
TOMORROW MORNING- BREAKFAST PICTURE, and a picture of whatever it is that I end up eating tonight.... dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
SO.
Lets be honest.
I just ate a big mac for lunch. BUT I also tracked it in my WW, and am within my points for the week. Yup, I'm trying to do WW. But I'm finding myself still eating stupid crap.
I need replacement food. I want crab rangoons I eat.......?! Ideas here? Because thats where I was last Friday.
So WHAT is it that I'm doing wrong. I don't want to be this FAT. But I really seem to be a quitter. I dont want to be a quitter. I don't want my kids to be quitters. So I need to stop being a quitter.
Okay, self pep talk over.
No more fat talk. No more thinking of this as fat. No more WINNING (ahhh sorry Charlie Sheen......). I need to suceed. If nothing else then to show you guys that I can do it, just as much to show myself.
I'm going to interview a therapist tomorrow. I'm wondering how that will go. And I'm hoping that talking about some of this stuff will also help with the food issues. I need some help with compulsive eating. The more that I think about this now, the more I realized my problems with food in THIS manner started after Arianna was born. I mean, I had problems before that- or what appeared to be problems? Because I basically wasnt hungry. I'm sure that it was some of the meds that I was on- but I wouldnt eat much during the day, because I wans not hungry, and then I would eat at night. I hope that she can give me some help, some guidelines. I feel like I missed out on a lot of growing up and learning skills etc. and I feel nuts for saying this, but at 27 I need to go back and learn how to deal with some things that I should have known how to deal with all along.
I'm so lucky that I have you guys. You all love me and support me and listen to me act like a nut job, but it doesnt change the support you give :)
TOMORROW MORNING- BREAKFAST PICTURE, and a picture of whatever it is that I end up eating tonight.... dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Weigh it.........
Sooooooooooo I'm still not making the best choices. But not being at work is helping clEarly...... I weighed 201.6 this morning!
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